I hate myself. I hate what I do and what I don't do. I'm so tired of it. I don't want to live this way anymore but I don't know how to detox my system. I don't know how to fix myself and I feel like God is waiting for me to figure it out. I feel as though I've disappointed God one too many times. I don't feel forgivien and I can't seem to forgive myself. I thought I had moved on from this chapter of my life but I guess once a addict always an addict. I feel like there's no help and no hope. I'm so ashamed I can't imagine telling anyone.
"Hold me now, I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking maybe six feet ain't so far down."
I just need to be held. I need God to tell me He still loves me. This is the point where God hands me the bible and shows me His told me dozens of times how loved I am. But I don't feel it. I know that faith isn't a feeling that's why it's called faith but I just want a sign. I want a sunset put in the sky just for me. I want tangible. I want breath taking affirmation. As if Jesus dying for me isn't affirmation enough. As if I'm above saving.
"Come to me when You're weary and I'll give you hope when you're hurting I'll give you rest from your burden."
I just need to surrender all. Story of my life. I have to take the steps to come to Him. I have such a longing for sometime deeper but I don't know how to get there. I don't know what will take me from where I am to where You wait. I need to trust that God will drag me to the right place. Trust. It's such a hard thing for me to do but I guess that's where faith comes in too.
"But you never said the road would be easy, But you said that you would never leave. And you never promised that this life wasn't hard, But you promised you'd take care of me."
I need to just rest in that promise and trust in God. I must go through the valley to come to the mountain of God. Lord I pray you make me humble and that You help me to forgive myself. Father let me rest in You, not in Your arms, not beside You but INSIDE of You. Lord do a work in me and complete it. Your plan is prefect and you will never leave me. Father mold my heart as if it were clay. Move me where You want me. I surrender all.
"All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all."
