All I feel is bitter. It all started since I got back from South Africa, I though going away would make me love home more but I hate it now more than ever. I loved Africa, I loved the heartaches and the struggles because I can see how I grew through them and I loved the amazing times as well. The whole trip had some aspect of amazing for each day. But after leaving something so beautiful it makes this low seem like the worst I've ever been.
I came home to a house that had changed. My grandma, no longer able to live on her own, moved in with us. I can honestly say that I have very little affection towards my grandma, growing up I never felt loved by her and only respected her but now even that respect has gone away. SO I was fine with grandma coming to live with us, my parents take in strangers all the time so this wouldn't be much different or so I thought.
Grandma has dementia. My mom asked me if I would be okay to be grandma's 'babysitter' while she was at work. Grandma can't be left home alone because she would try and walk home when she doesn't know the way and she can't take care of herself. She doesn't remember things and before she only got annoying when she would ask the same question eight times and still need to ask again but I would just take a breath and answer one more time knowing it wasn't her fault that her mind had left her. Once coming home from Africa it was much of the same but I had to do a lot more correcting. "No grandma, those dishes don't go there." "Grandma you have to use soap to wash the dishes." "Grandma you can't put metal in the microwave." and so on. At first she would listen to me but now if I say anything she throws down what she's holding and leaves the room. I could see that she angry and would let her go and fix whatever she was doing wrong. But things didn't stop there.
The first incident happened at 8:00 in the morning. See came in my room to my room turned on the light and stood in the room with pair of socks. Since returning to Canada I've suffered from insomnia and usually am only able to sleep for a few hours in the morning. I got up from bed told grandma she could do the laundry later, took the socks from her hands and turned her towards the door. I then turned off the light and started to shut the door when grandma turned and grabbed the door trying to hit me with it. I pushed the door closed and quickly locked it as she still tried to get in to harm me. I was more shocked then anything. I couldn't believe that I just had to lock my grandmother from my room to keep from getting hurt.
Since then I'd been having a lot of trouble to give grace to grandma. When she would talk to me (which never happens if she can talk to someone else) I would answer in clipped remarks and annoyed tones. I didn't like how I was acting but it was so easy and in all honesty I was mad at grandma. I was angry at myself for being mad at grandma because it didn't make sense. Why be mad at someone who doesn't remember they've hurt you. So I prayed and I prayed for God to help me forgive grandma and to help me to let go of my frustration and show her grace. And I achieved that I was able to talk to grandma kindly and show her grace. But it didn't last long.
My grandparents on my father's side weren't doing so well so my mom and dad fly to B.C. to spend time with my papa who is in the hospital. Before going my mom asked me are you okay with watching grandma for the weekend and I said no. I was afraid I was going to get hit. So she left me and emergency number and got her siblings to take grandma for a good portion of the time they would be away. And I thought I could handle it, I would have my siblings to help me too.
On the day after my parents left the phone rang and I picked it up after saying hello and having the lady on the other end start talking my grandma picked up the other handset and said "hello?" both of us on the phone ignored it and I got the message that the lady on the end wanted to leave. Then I hung up went to the other room and took the phone from grandma and hung it up too. I then told her "grandma don't pick up the phone." (sometimes when we don't make it to the phone before grandma does the message we get is "that was someone calling about something.") Grandma replied by saying in an angry voice "I'll do as I like." then I said "No you don't pick up the phone." She then started to come towards me saying "come here!" and I had to move around the table to keep her away from me. I then ran to the bathroom and locked myself in her chasing me the whole time. My brother was in the other room and saw a little bit of what happened. Once I thought the coast was clear I went up to my room started to cry. After a few minutes my brother came up and asked what the problem was. I told him what happen and he asked if our parents knew grandma was like this and I said yes. He talked to me and then held me as I cried and hyperventilated. He then went downstairs and I tried to calm down. Instead I had my first anxiety attack. I couldn't stop hyperventilating and shaking. I couldn't control my own body.
Because of that these past two days I can't seem to show grandma grace. I can't even stand being in the same room with her. Yet today I had to take her to church and pass her the communion when all I wanted to do was scream. Before communion I prayed and I prayed for God to help me forgive grandma to forget what was behind and look ahead. And my head got it so I decided that I could take communion, but when I turned to pass it to grandma I knew my heart wasn't right. I knew that I was still angry.
I'm just so mad at her and I know it's stupid. She can't help it, she's not in her right mind. But because of her I hate being in my own home and I'm scared of what she'll do when she catches me. I don't want to live in this house anymore. I don;t want to be left only with grandma anymore. Most of all I don't want to be angry anymore but I can't bring my heart to forgive her or even show her kindness. What makes this even harder is that after telling everyone of my family members they'll told me it's my fault. It's my fault grandma reacted as she did. It's my fault I'm angry. "You should try talking to her in a different way." "Your not being very nice, It's stupid for you to be angry at someone who can't remember." "You just have to treat her like a two year old." Well I'm sorry if it's my fault.
I'm sorry.
I can't even describe how much pain I'm in right now. Whenever mom's sibling have come to take grandma and I'm alone all I do is cry. Today once grandma left and my other brother told me that I was stupid and also left the house I just crumbled to the ground. I wailed. Actually wailed and sobbed in pain. I just want out. I want to stop being angry. I want forgive grandma but I also don't want to live in the same house as her. I can't sleep. I hate how I feel right now. I just want to give up. Everyone seems to chose grandma over me, even the dog. Mom left the emergency number saying my safety comes first but I don't believe she meant it. I don't feel safe at all but nothing has changed.
I don't have a way out and I don't feel I can talk to anyone who will just listen and tell me it's okay. I just want a hug from someone who will just hold me and tell me that it's not my fault or that I'm not stupid. I hate me and that's really hard to live with right now.
